Tuesday, March 15, 2005

My very own forward

A few years ago, a "helpful" friend named Jim sent me the following fact: You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a spider. He thought perhaps it would help me get over my heebie jeebies about the eight legged nasty lil buggers. Please note, I do not scream, hide, or run. I prefer to let DW get rid of spiders, but am perfectly capable of doing it myself. I even held still while a tarantula walked over me, to prevent a 3 year old from becoming afraid of it. I simply don't like spiders.

After I wrote the response below, I emailed it not only to Jim, but to others. Please feel free to do the same if you find it funny. I don't even care if you don't add my name or website, so long as you do not take credit for it yourself. I rather enjoy the idea that I can make someone else giggle. AND, as a bonus, perhaps those people who keep forwarding ME "funny" things will get the hint when I casually drop that not only have I seen that forward, I wrote it. Hope springs eternal. Enjoy.

FACT: You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.


Reasons Spiders are Scarier than Corks:

Even though champagne corks kills hundreds more people every year than poisonous spiders do, people are still more afraid of spiders. The following list covers some of the factors in the lack of cork awareness.

Stealth Factor: Spiders move silently and on their own. Corks make a loud pop noise and must be activated by a human.

Movement Pattern: Spiders will dodge and weave, moving in an unpredictable and therefore frighteningly random pattern. Champagne corks travel in a straight line unless deflected, at which time they follow the standard rules of physics regarding changes of vector and velocity.

Camoflague: Spiders come in many shapes, sizes and colours; champagne corks are standard in size and are only found next to champagne bottles, not next to anything at all.

The Russian Roulette Factor: People may be more careless around spiders because only some of them are poisonous. Thus, in overcompensation, it is safer to treat all spiders as deadly, even though most are not. The steady danger factor with champagne corks adds a sense of security because everyone knows both how to handle them and that all are potentially dangerous.

Legs: Spiders: too many. Champagne corks: none

Scary Movies: In this media driven age, few dangers are left unrepresented. Movies such as Arachnophobia have publicized the dangers of spiders and heightened public awareness. In contrast, the dangerous and lethal champagne cork receives much less press and thus stands in the shadows, waiting to catch the unsuspecting.

Close-ups: Spiders have fangs and drool and, if blown up to human size, would eat us. Champagne corks are dry and, if blown up to human size, would make excellent message boards. Furthermore, while a larger spider moves faster and is more dangerous, an extremely large champagne cork has much greater inertia and presents as much threat as a large boulder.

Free will: Champagne corks are aimed, spiders choose their victims. The idea of being targeted by something with free will makes people feel much more persecuted than being struck with something that was aimed. After all, one can understand and thwart and have revenge upon a human who aims a champagne cork, but a spider goes to its death satisfied, and no true revenge is possible.

6 Comments:

Blogger a dyke... said...

This is DIVINE humor! I love it!

Oh, and I'm about 2/3 way through the deLint book, and I love it. It keeps me gowning through Statistics and Gerontology, because I hate reading those. A chapter of school, two chapters of deLint, a chapter of school, ohhh, three chapters deLint. It's slow-going, but I love and savor every moment of it. THANK YOU!!!!!!

11:34 AM  
Blogger a dyke... said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Kathy said...

Too funny! I laughed at loud at "Legs: Spiders: too many. Champagne corks: none"

2:23 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

This is hilarious! Great job of explaining the differences between the spider and the cork!

3:28 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

Very great very funny.

D

1:33 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

this is hilarious!!

9:33 PM  

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